Changing over.

I love how everyone thinks at the beginning of a new year that everything is going to suddenly change and be amazing how everything is going to work out in their favor of course. People set lofty goals for themselves that we all know they are not going to achieve. I am going to admit I use to be one of those dreamers. I thought the new year held promise to this bright and shiny future which started right then and there. Now I know better it doesn’t. Yes we can set goals and try to be more positive but the shit that was bothering you in December is still going to bother you in January and beyond unless you clean it up.

I began my personal clean up back in July. My relationship with Mr. X ended. Now you might think the rest of this post will be about me saying how I am heart-broken and wanted to overcome that emotion now that the new year has arrived. No that is not the case at all. I am happy the relationship is over. Yes I have my moments when I miss a good memory but who doesn’t have I am sure a Holocaust victim has some good memories. Back to the point. Mr. X was a very violent abusive man. That Sunday in July was the last straw what the day I chose not to be his victim anymore.

I spent 3 years off and on with this man and during those three years I was bruised emotional and physically, had chairs thrown at me, cheated on, was fed lie upon lie, supported him emotionally and fiscally, and even choked till I could not breath passed out and pee myself. I have somewhere in me I rationalized all this. I would say to myself and even others when they notice “He had a rough childhood.” and “He suffers from depression.” While both of these things are true neither make a person a monster. We make ourselves that. Once July hit I was in full I don’t care but I am comfortable doing his laundry, cooking for him and cleaning while getting nothing in return. My heart wasn’t in it maybe that is what gave me the courage. I do not know.

He took my head and smashed it again porcelain. I fought my way crawling screaming from the back of the house to the front door. I was lucky to have tucked my cell phone in my bra. I reached the front door and ran. I ran like I never ran before. I called the police and my father. I remember my father saying “I can’t understand you under all the tears.” I was crying a lot. The police came and took my statement. I saw him on the porch emotional less he always was but at this moment he was more lethargic than he ever had been. I was asked “do you want him arrested?” It was the moment of truth that I had been faced with before this time I said “yes.”

When we went to court he was flamboyant. I should have known but me being me and caring more than I should begged the DA to not pursue jail time. He was told to stay away and a restraining order was put in place. I didn’t hear from Mr. X the rest of the Summer.

Once the Fall rolled around I had met someone and Mr. X became alive again. He would call and text even wanted to meet. He has a new girlfriend. I will never understand the one voice mail I received from we shall call her Peggy. She was begging me to take him back. Why would you ever call begging someone to take back this man you have moved across the state for and head of heels in “love” with?

In October I filed a police report, nothing was done. November, Nothing was done. December, Nothing was done. Was I crazy for being fearful of a man who had beat me, hurt me basically destroyed me.  Finally, this month I was able to get someone to listen to me and with that I am hoping Mr. X can be stopped and I can be set free.

I wish all of this could have poof and been gone on New Years Eve but it wasn’t. It is still here and still strong. At least I know I am cleaning it up and I have always been a dreamer but all of this as made me realize sometimes we can’t have heads in the clouds. Who am I though to stand in the way of people who want to quit smoking or lose weight. Remember though people you are going to have to act.

If anyone ever finds themselves in a horrible situation such as domestic violence. Here is a great website that can help you find someone in your area to help. http://www.ndvh.org/ If that can’t help you. Email me and I can tell you more of my story and how I was able to finally get someone to listen.