Changing over.

I love how everyone thinks at the beginning of a new year that everything is going to suddenly change and be amazing how everything is going to work out in their favor of course. People set lofty goals for themselves that we all know they are not going to achieve. I am going to admit I use to be one of those dreamers. I thought the new year held promise to this bright and shiny future which started right then and there. Now I know better it doesn’t. Yes we can set goals and try to be more positive but the shit that was bothering you in December is still going to bother you in January and beyond unless you clean it up.

I began my personal clean up back in July. My relationship with Mr. X ended. Now you might think the rest of this post will be about me saying how I am heart-broken and wanted to overcome that emotion now that the new year has arrived. No that is not the case at all. I am happy the relationship is over. Yes I have my moments when I miss a good memory but who doesn’t have I am sure a Holocaust victim has some good memories. Back to the point. Mr. X was a very violent abusive man. That Sunday in July was the last straw what the day I chose not to be his victim anymore.

I spent 3 years off and on with this man and during those three years I was bruised emotional and physically, had chairs thrown at me, cheated on, was fed lie upon lie, supported him emotionally and fiscally, and even choked till I could not breath passed out and pee myself. I have somewhere in me I rationalized all this. I would say to myself and even others when they notice “He had a rough childhood.” and “He suffers from depression.” While both of these things are true neither make a person a monster. We make ourselves that. Once July hit I was in full I don’t care but I am comfortable doing his laundry, cooking for him and cleaning while getting nothing in return. My heart wasn’t in it maybe that is what gave me the courage. I do not know.

He took my head and smashed it again porcelain. I fought my way crawling screaming from the back of the house to the front door. I was lucky to have tucked my cell phone in my bra. I reached the front door and ran. I ran like I never ran before. I called the police and my father. I remember my father saying “I can’t understand you under all the tears.” I was crying a lot. The police came and took my statement. I saw him on the porch emotional less he always was but at this moment he was more lethargic than he ever had been. I was asked “do you want him arrested?” It was the moment of truth that I had been faced with before this time I said “yes.”

When we went to court he was flamboyant. I should have known but me being me and caring more than I should begged the DA to not pursue jail time. He was told to stay away and a restraining order was put in place. I didn’t hear from Mr. X the rest of the Summer.

Once the Fall rolled around I had met someone and Mr. X became alive again. He would call and text even wanted to meet. He has a new girlfriend. I will never understand the one voice mail I received from we shall call her Peggy. She was begging me to take him back. Why would you ever call begging someone to take back this man you have moved across the state for and head of heels in “love” with?

In October I filed a police report, nothing was done. November, Nothing was done. December, Nothing was done. Was I crazy for being fearful of a man who had beat me, hurt me basically destroyed me.  Finally, this month I was able to get someone to listen to me and with that I am hoping Mr. X can be stopped and I can be set free.

I wish all of this could have poof and been gone on New Years Eve but it wasn’t. It is still here and still strong. At least I know I am cleaning it up and I have always been a dreamer but all of this as made me realize sometimes we can’t have heads in the clouds. Who am I though to stand in the way of people who want to quit smoking or lose weight. Remember though people you are going to have to act.

If anyone ever finds themselves in a horrible situation such as domestic violence. Here is a great website that can help you find someone in your area to help. http://www.ndvh.org/ If that can’t help you. Email me and I can tell you more of my story and how I was able to finally get someone to listen.

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3 Responses to Changing over.

  1. Peggy says:

    Remember. Nobody knows the truth but you and him. I never hated you. I was going on what I was told by others. Yes. Mr. X is an asshole. He really is. He lied about many things and so did you. My point is this. If he hit you, I didnt believe it. I did not pretend to be your friend and screw him in hotels. He never cheated on you with me. The man has issues and this is why I left him. We have similiar stories, you and I. I do not know what you told V about me to have him hate me. I am not in love with him in a romantic way at all. All I am saying is that I am glad that Mr. X is gone. He is a sick bastard and I do not miss him at all. Just try and understand my point when I tell you that I believed him because I believed him.

  2. Peggy says:

    ONe more thing. If you make V happy then good for you both.

  3. Peggy,
    I know nobody but me and him know what really happen in our relationship. I am OK with that, so many times we get caught up in what other people see and think when really it doesn’t matter.
    Whether you hated or not, does not matter. We are all allowed our own opinions. Whether I hate you or not does not matter either. Believing what other people say without going to the source and actually finding out for yourself is never a good thing and will never give you a full understanding of both sides because every story has two sides. It doesn’t matter if you agree with one over the other at least you got the information to pass that judgement from the sources themselves.
    You pretended to care, you called me I called you. You listened about everything. It was all an act. You never cared, let me restate that you never cared about me you did care about winning Mr. X. If we can even call him a prize. You cared about the attention he gave you, You cared because you thought he cared about you and I was the enemy I was the ex and it was a good idea to keep me closer. I get it, you can deny it but we both know that is what happen. I have never said he cheated on me with you. Me and him were long gone and done. I remember talking to you before me and him broke up and you telling me you knew how much he loved me and how lucky I was. One thing I know is you were not one of the other girls that he came in contact with during our relationship. I get it you wanted to be the lucky one who wouldn’t from the outsider perspective Mr. X is amazing.
    As for physical wounds bruises heal, cuts heal, the pain leave and it is forgotten except when I come across a picture and remember. The emotions don’t. I tired to warn you Even though you didn’t really care about me I tired to warn you. You thought everything I told you was a fairy tale and I was nothing but a bunch of lies and god knows I have made mistakes but that man destroyed me. He killed me inside and I would never want to that to happen to someone else. Not even my worse enemy. You didn’t listen, You saw and believed what you wanted to believe. We all do, it is human nature and like I said from an outsiders perspective a great catch. The real catch is much different.
    Myself and V have been together for a long time now. He took my damaged soul, my broken heart, my fear and fixed it all. He has made me proud of who I am, pushed me to achieve my goals, wants me to succeed and most importantly he reminded how to be happy while showing me what real love is. He is the best thing that ever happened in my life and if I had to go through all the bad, all the shit, all the pain, misery and make horrible mistakes to get to him and have him in my life and love me the way he does. I would do it all again I would take the pain if he was at the other side because he is worth it.
    At the end of the day, I am truly sorry that you have had to feel the wrath of Mr. X but I can promise it will make you stronger. I believe everything happens for a reason and I hold no grudges. I try to think of the good memories because I still believe someone could not be pure evil. Maybe I am just a dreamer and want to believe in the greater good before the bad but hold on to the good because the anger and hurt isn’t worth it. Someday I pray he finds help and changes before anyone else gets hurt. I hope you find that true love you are looking for and all of us deserve.
    Peace and Love

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