#reverb10 Part IV

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I wish I could say there was but honest there is not one moment that sticks out to me. Yes I think I have little moments all the time where I feel cohesive but not for long periods of time or when they would actually matter.

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

In the past action as been my problem. I have been slow to react to certain things. Relationship yea well those I don’t put much action into. My carer though I do. I guess my aspirations that I need to work on is my social ones. I say I am going to get involved in something and never do the next step is obvious. Get involved. I have wanted to join a book club, do more writing, volunteer. 2011 is the year that I am going to do these things. No more excuses only action.

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Love. It seems pretty basic but really when you have been where I have and through the last few years of my life. Love means a lot. Love from Friends past and present, V, and all of my family. I took this love for granted in the past and often thought I found love in all the wrong place. I no longer do that and I see that love is not something you search for it is something that has always been there all along. I try to express gratitude by loving them back to the best of my ability.

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

This probably deserves a post all in its own. I love this question.  1. Laying in bed with V, nothing special happening just being there. Kissing him or the moments when he just fell asleep and kissing his cheek knowing he is that one person that I trust the one person that will be there for me. Feeling safe with him and the world could be exploding around me and coming to a horrible end but I wouldn’t notice. 2. The last time I seen Mr. X. Your probably wondering why but it was a cleansing process and that last time I felt nothing no pain, no anger, no love just nothing and I have to say that is the best feeling. Holding on to the hate the anger and pain is not good for me. I still pray that he finds help and I always will and honestly the man will always be a part of who I am and I thank him for some of those things and that last time I see him I said as I walked away “Thank you for helping me grow, thank you for teaching me all the lessons I have learned from you, thank you for making me comfortable in my skin.” I know he didn’t hear me because I was whispering but I still said it and still meant it. I want to be able to remember I am able to forgive even if I can not forget. 3. Simple memory of watching the hangover with my dad and Kt. I love that movie and it reminded me of older days when I was young and we weren’t all grown up a complex. 4. My boys. Every memory yes I am being greedy I want every memory of them. 5. Adventures with D. Somehow all the mysterious adventure always make me laugh and my soul feel good. Niagara falls getting warm under a hand dryer. Letchworth falling and needing a EMT. Emergency rooms and feel bandages. 6. All the debates and arguments with Al because I need to remember these because he will pick the same fight again and well I need to be on top of things.

December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I would like to point out 2 people.

D has been my friend off and on for year and we have a very odd and torrid history but at the end of it all for the last almost 2 years as been a constant in my life.  We are completely different people and I mean totally utterly different. She makes me see the little things the things I would often overlook. The simple things. I would say this has been a very gradual change. Probably so gradual because well we have had our own ups and downs and well while in the down period you don’t always see the good in things.

V has stolen my heart. Not in a bad way like I am going to call the cops. He has given me a sudden burst of love and life. I trust him and have learned from him not all people are evil and out to hurt you that some people do love me and will love me forever.


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